


in a heartbeat (it doesnt have to make sense)

by constant



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, Pining, also i dont wanna spoil but, bc im a loser, but im so whipped for seungjin so, drunk kissing?, felix is mentioned too, first person POV, hyunjin curses a little bit, idk u decide, inspired by a classic book, jisung is there if u squint, not mentioned but they are in college, or a lot, recycled fic btw, this fic basically doesnt make any sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 21:05:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18060113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constant/pseuds/constant
Summary: Seungmin was smiling the whole time, and I sort of hated how much I loved that he was smiling the whole damn time.In which Hyunjin talks too much about Seungmin's smile - and other things.





	in a heartbeat (it doesnt have to make sense)

**Author's Note:**

> ♡ reposting because im such a loser omg  
> ♡ im doing this thing wherein i (try to) write whenever anxiety hits me but i never actually get to finish anything,, so im just gonna recycle this one fic ive already written for a different fandom fkfkl  
> ♡ also, let's all assume koreans use middle names for this story

 

 

 

 

Seungmin and I were never close.

He was a cheerful guy, the one who always checks up on everyone, volunteers to erase the board before the professor even asks, and yells out some oddly appropriate joke in class that makes everyone laugh. In other words, to me, Seungmin was annoying.

He wasn't rowdy and all that, but he was  _too active_ , too  _everywhere_ , too  _always there when anyone needs him_.

I can't stand those kind of people, I guess maybe because I was the exact opposite as him. I was always seated at the back of the room, always with my headphones on - with my music, just coming to school when I need to, only doing things I was asked to do. My life might sound boring but it isn't. I enjoy it very much. I like being in my own space, spending 90% of my days alone. I hate talking to people, especially strangers or acquaintances - people I barely know.

I can't do small talks. I just don't get how people ask somebody about their day, or what they had for lunch, or any shit like that because I know that people who asks them don't even give a single damn if you had steak for lunch or something. They're just doing it to create conversation, doing it to drone out the uncomfortable silence around them.

I noticed that Seungmin was so good at that - small talks, I mean.

I saw him one time talking to this girl who was ostracized by the rest of our classmates just because she looks different. I remember watching Seungmin intently as he nodded his head in understanding every time the girl answered him. At first, she looked scared of him. I guess she thought Seungmin approached her to say bad things about her, but from the way he was smiling sweetly at her said otherwise.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I noticed how the girl gradually gained confidence and finally had the courage to lift her head up and look straight into Seungmin's eyes as their conversation progressed.

Seungmin was annoying, but he was sweet.

Annoyingly sweet.

He was everything I ever wanted to be. I wanted to be good at talking to people, I wanted to be confident, I wanted to be always smiling, I wanted to be just like him.

I was jealous of him, the way he was always so good at everything and the fact that almost everyone was in love with him. Girls were head over heels for him. Boys occasionally fight over who gets to have Seungmin in their team during gym class. Professors always praise him. Even the school janitors know him. Everyone was in love with Seungmin. By everyone, I mean, including me. Yes, I hate Seungmin. I think he's annoying most of the damn time, but I was also in love with him.

Secretly, quietly, distantly in love with him.

I know I said that we were never close, and I always appear to just stare at him from afar and I do. I still do.

I liked observing him - I like how his eyes seem to glisten every time he smiles, I like how he laughs at his own jokes, I like how he's not afraid to yell out an answer to a question the teacher asked even if his answer was wrong, I like how he always drops his pen, I like his side view and the way his adam's apple is emphasized from that angle, I like staring at his back, his nape, the back of his head. I like his dewy scent every time we pass by each other. I like how he never misses to smile at me every morning by my locker while I wait for classes to start.

I remember one morning when he did more than just smile at me. I was leaning against my locker, red hot chilli peppers blasting from my earphones. I was waiting for him, as I always do every day. I heard him panting first before I even saw him. He just took a turn towards the hall where I was, his hair sticking out in different directions, his backpack slung languidly on one shoulder. I watched as Seungmin paused for a moment to catch his breath. I checked the time from my watch and realized that he was only 3 minutes late than his usual arrival. When I looked back up at him, he was already staring at me, and he was smiling.

"Good morning, Hyunjin." Seungmin made his way towards me, and for a moment, I forgot how to breathe.

_He just said my name._

And that was the first time I ever heard my name come out of his mouth.

His locker was only two doors away from mine, and when he stopped to unload some books, that was when I only remembered that I haven't responded yet.

"Yeah, uhm, good morning." I scratched the back of my head awkwardly, praying silently that he'd end the conversation there.

You see, he rarely says good morning to me. All he ever does when we see each other every day at this hour is either smile or nod or both. I watched as he took out some books from his locker, that stupid smile never leaving his face.

He glanced at me and I panicked, because I know he was gonna speak to me more.

"What are you listening to?"

"Oh, uhm."

I only realized that the song I was listening to has changed, and I read the title and the artist from my phone screen without thinking too much about it.

"Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton." I looked up at Seungmin to see that he has now an amused expression on his face.

"No way." he said, "I love that song."

"Oh, me too." I lied.

I played a random playlist on shuffle before I left home, and I never heard of this song before in my entire life. When Seungmin was done with his locker and everything, he turned to me, and you can't imagine how nervous I got.

"I knew you would have a really good taste in music."

Then his smiled widened, brighter than his usual smiles, if that was even possible. I was positive my palms started sweating at that point.

"You don't talk too much, don't you, Hyunjin?" Seungmin asked and he chuckled when I nodded.

I love the sound of his laugh. I love seeing him smile. I love the way he makes me feel. But I wish he'd stop talking to me because I only end up embarrassing myself in front of him.

To my relief, the school bell rang, saving me from that awfully awkward situation.

"I'll see you in class." Seungmin said to me, and I don't think I will ever forget the sweet look on his face as he stared right into my eyes. I felt my heart flip in my chest, and I nodded once again rather stupidly.

"Y-yes." I replied under my breath and I knew Seungmin didn't hear me because he had already turned away when I said it.

When he was completely out of sight, I exhaled the breath I didn't realize I was holding, clutching unto the left side of my chest, trying desperately to calm the beat of my heart.

-

The second time Seungmin said more than a single sentence to me, I was slightly pissed.

It had been a tiring week for me - for everyone else for that matter - considering it was hell week. I tend to pull an all-nighters every time we had exams because I was the kind of person who couldn't stand it if I had nothing to write on my test paper.

It was half an hour before lunch break was over, and I took that precious time to take a quick nap in one of the empty classrooms. I almost dozed off -  _almost_  - when I felt a particular something ,  _something light and small,_  hit the top of my head. I forced myself to look up with a big ugly frown on my face, not even bothering to hide my pissed expression.

Again, I heard him before I even saw him.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry!"

Seungmin rushed over to me with worry, the apology painted across his face. I stared at the thing that hit my head that was now on the floor, and realized that it was only a cap of a pen. How it flew all the way to my head is beyond me.

"I have this bad habit of chewing on my pen cap and then I sort of bit too hard and it just flew all the way and accidentally hit your head????" Seungmin's tone got more unsure as he realized that he sounded more stupid the longer he rambled on about his explanation.

The chewing habit was bad enough, but biting it too hard to cause it to fly and hit someone else?

Mortifying.

"It's okay." I waved him off as he bent over to pick up the cap of his pen.

"I'm really sorry I disturbed you." he said again, clasping both hands together to his chest and I couldn't help but smile at the gesture.

I didn't know that he noticed it as he sat down on the arm of the seat in front of me.

"Hey, look. You're smiling."

I shrugged. "Yeah, well. I am very capable of smiling too."

"You should do it more often."

And as if it only hit me - that I was yet again talking to the man I secretly have a crush on, and that we were all alone in a dark lit empty classroom - my heart started beating twice its normal rate.

To make it even worse, Seungmin added,

"It looks good on you."

And I just about died right there.

-

If you're wondering about when my crush for Seungmin started, I'm going to have to start talking about this vintage camera my granddad passed down to me. I knew nothing about cameras - no knowledge about photography. But the camera was beautiful, and I thought it would be a massive waste to just let it sit on my shelves in my room and let it catch all the webs.

So I asked my granddad how to use it, and I wasn't surprised when he only knew how to turn it on and off, telling an excuse that it was originally my late grandma's and not his. Eventually, I learned how to properly use it, though it took me long enough, but I did. I figured out how to change the films and everything.

One day, I brought it to school for fun, snapping photos of people at random. I remember quite vividly while I sat at the back of biology class, waiting for the class to start. For some reason, our professor was always late but it's not like we were complaining. I had nothing to do and I had my camera with me, so I decided to play around with it, stealing photographs of the people around me. I peeked through the little hole (I don’t know what it’s called to save my life) of the camera as I scanned around the room, searching for the best target. I noticed some movement by the door as people continued filing into the room, so I decided to focus there, by the doorway.

I snapped one, two, three photos randomly, not even sure if the shots I took were any good. Then still squinting through my camera, I saw Seungmin bust in the room with that same stupid smile on his face.

I clicked.

There was just something about him - something I couldn't quite point out - that I just couldn’t seem to take the fucking focus away from him. I followed him with my camera.

He stopped right at the center of the room to talk to his friend, Jisung.

Seungmin was then directly in front of me, his head a little bent over for his friend was seated down as they talked. I noticed that Seungmin's eyes were sparkling, and that was odd for me since I never saw his eyes that way before. I was forced to look up from my camera, finally observing him through my own eyes, and noticed that his eyes really were sparkling. And then, Seungmin laughed at something Jisung has said and I clicked on the camera again.

I was completely mesmerized by Seungmin at that time, as if I was seeing him for the first time. I had no idea as to when he started looking that good, or if he always looked like that and I was just the one who didn't notice. Either way, he was so beautiful, I couldn't seem to stop staring at him that day.

And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that.

I wasn't planning to develop the pictures I took to be very honest, but when I got home that day, I researched about how to do it, and how much it'd cost me and now I have two of Seungmin's photographs nicely kept inside one of my drawers.

-

I know I may seem like I don't have any friends, but I do. I have a friend. I have only one, and his name is Felix. I think he's the only person in this entire world I can be completely comfortable with. I can tell him everything, from the color of my underwear to my very first embarrassing kiss way back in 3rd grade. He knows everything about me, even the crush I have for Seungmin.

But let me tell you about this one thing -  _the only thing_  - Felix doesn’t know about me.

See, I'm a very antisocial person. I hate socializing, I really do. But Felix makes me do things. He makes me get out of my shell sometimes. He gets me to go to these parties, he takes me out drinking, he brings me to clubs and bars and anywhere else I couldn't imagine myself to be in. It was Felix's birthday, and he invited me over to this club I didn't even know existed in our town. When I got there, the place was packed and I wasn't sure if they were all here for Felix's birthday, the same reason that I was. Like a real club virgin, I went through the crowd to look for my friend, pushing through sweaty bodies as I tried to walk through. The music blasted so loudly it almost made my chest drop to the ground or something.

I hated that place. The desire to leave that god awful club was quicker than my journey towards it. I reached the bar counter, panting from trying to go through all those people. Lucky for me, there was a vacant stool for me to sit on, and just as I settled myself, the bartender placed a drink of whatever directly in front of me.

I don't drink.

I know I said Felix took me out to drink sometimes, but it was mostly him drinking, and me, well, I drink too. Something non-alcoholic. Like juice or cola and that stuff. I took a quick sniff at the drink, and it wouldn't take an idiot to find out that definitely had booze in it.

I didn't want to drink it, because I don't drink.

But I was thirsty.

I stared at that glass of something as if it was going to jump right at me any moment. I took a quick glance around me, suddenly conscious if someone was watching me. I wasn't really down to anyone witnessing my first ever drink of booze. Then before I could even change my mind, I grabbed the glass and gulped all its contents down to the very last drop. It hurt my throat like fucking hell.

Then it just dawned on me that maybe I wasn't supposed to take it down in one shot. My throat was still burning and I thought maybe that this is how I was going to die. I looked around me to check if someone witnessed my dumbass moment. Everyone seemed to be busy with their own lives. We were at a club after all, and you don't really notice stupid people doing stupid things like gulping down a whole glass of whatever when they aren't supposed to at a club.

You can't imagine the relief I felt when the pain in my throat finally died down. I suddenly felt stupid for thinking that I was going to die.

I stood up to look for Felix again, but as soon as I landed both of my feet on the ground, my whole world started spinning.

I tried to grab the counter, or the stool, but suddenly I couldn't find them. I was waving my hands like a madman, desperately trying to find anything for support. My eyes were out of focus, I couldn't see straight. My world was spinning and I sort of panicked because I didn't know what to do. It was my first time drinking, and I got myself drunk as fuck. I'm half-dumbass you see, if you still haven't figured it out.

I was still looking for something to hold on to when I suddenly tripped over nothing. I just fell face down to the ground like a total idiot.

Fuck.

If gulping down that drink wasn't going to kill me, maybe tripping on my own feet under the influence of whatever was in that drink will.

I don't remember how I got about on the middle of the dance floor. My head was throbbing, I couldn't think straight, everything I saw was a blur, I can't steady my feet but for some reason, I was dancing.

It was all just the alcohol of course, functioning like some fuel urging you to move your body in a way that you didn't even know you could do. The music continued blasting and despite being drunk I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated EDM music. And then something happened. The problem is, I don't remember exactly how it happened. It just sort of skipped to the best part. At least, that's what all I remembered.

There were a lot of things I couldn't remember that night.

My memory consists of an alternate of a flash of a moment I can remember, darkness, another flash, darkness, flash, darkness, and finally, the best part I was talking to you about.

I remember wanting to scream. Not out of agony. Not out of anger. But out of happiness. I think it had been a whole ten minutes as I tried to figure out if that -  _that exact moment_  - was all real. Though I do clearly remember going to the club for Felix's birthday when I was still sober. Fucking Felix. Where is he anyway? I was sure as hell I was going to kill him for not showing up on his own stupid birthday party and letting me get drunk like this.

I don't drink, but at that moment, I was drunk. And I know I would be regretting this tomorrow - with the hangover and all. But at that time, I couldn't push away the thought that maybe -  _maybe_  - there was a reason that the universe had placed me right there, drunk, dancing and alone.

And then there it was. The reason for me being there.

I honestly do not know how Seungmin suddenly popped right in front of me, moving just a half beat late from the music, smiling (but he was always smiling) every time he loses his balance. He was obviously drunk, from the way his eyes drooped and seemed to be out of focus. I bet I looked exactly the same.

Seungmin wore a plain navy blue shirt. I could not ignore the way his biceps stretched at the hem of his sleeve every time he raised his arm above his head when he did some crazy dance move.

Oh, how he looked so  _fucking_  good in blue.

I knew it was all real - all that in the club, dancing with Seungmin and everything.  
I just couldn't believe it.

It was the closest we had ever been, quite literally.

We faced each other while we danced, sometimes he held on my waist, sometimes I put my arms around his shoulders, sometimes our hips would grind against each other and it all drove me crazy. The proximity drove me crazy.

Seungmin was smiling the whole time, and I sort of hated how much I loved that he was smiling the whole damn time. At one point, he reached over to hold my hand, then intertwined our fingers together. My heart felt like dying. His hand was so soft, so perfect with mine. Like my hand was meant to hold his all along. I forgot how to breathe when I felt him lean in closer, just stopping right at where our noses touched.

His breath tickled me, and I laughed.

He laughed too, and how much I wished I could pause that moment right there - Seungmin and I in a sea of people, dancing, and holding hands and laughing together.

That was the best part.

But the best part of the best part was when Seungmin leaned in to kiss me.

He leaned in so quickly, so sudden, all without warning that I didn’t have time to prepare myself for it. But I let him. Of course, I'd let him. This was the only thing I was dreaming of.

Seungmin moved his lips with such careful intimacy, like I was some long lost lover he was dying to be reunited with. I don't know where that came from but his kiss was so delicate, and felt so  _so_  nice, I actually wanted to tell my mom about it.

I just wanted him to kiss me forever.

If you're wondering, I did meet Felix on that night of his birthday. We managed to find each other somehow. Naturally, he'd ask me where I had been and told me that I missed all the fun. I had to snicker at his statement.

"I had all the fun I needed, Felix."  
"What do you mean?"  
I know I said I tell Felix everything, and I almost told him about that kiss with Seungmin.  
But then I remembered how Seungmin's lips felt against mine - so intimate, so personal, that I decided against it. My heart raced just thinking about it, and I caught myself smiling like a madman.

Felix's not getting the kiss story, no.

That - I wanted to keep to myself.

-

I was devastated the days after Felix's birthday. Nothing particularly bad occurred, except maybe for the fact that I felt like Seungmin was avoiding me, everything was absolutely marvelous. At first, I thought maybe I was just overthinking it or something, but he suddenly stopped going over to the lockers in the early morning. I was sad because that was sort of our morning routine.

I still saw him in class, and he still acted the same. Basically, he was still Seungmin, the same old Seungmin I know, except that he stopped going over to the lockers and that just crushed me. That was the only thing I look forward to everyday. Sort of like the highlight of my day. I started to think that maybe Seungmin was embarrassed about the kiss. Or worse, regretted it.

Maybe he doesn't ever wanna see me again. Maybe he was just too drunk that night and that's what caused him to be all over me. I bet he doesn't even remember who he kissed that night.

I wasn’t really mad at Seungmin for avoiding me. If I had to be mad at anyone, it was myself. I was mad at myself for the fact that I actually lead myself to believe that that kiss could be a start of  _something._  I lead myself on.

Some crazy idea, I know. But if you were in my shoes, I bet you would be hoping for the same. It's not like I expected for us to be officially boyfriends the moment we stepped out of that club, no. I at least expected that, I don't know, he wouldn't avoid me.

I wanted to talk to Seungmin, I really did. But you know me. I hate talking, I most especially hate confrontations. Besides, I didn't really know what I'd say to him. It would be weird to just walk up to him and remind him about the kiss that he probably wants to forget.

God, I'm so stupid.

So, even though I still felt awful about the whole situation, I decided to let it all go. I stopped hoping that Seungmin and I could be  _more_ of what we were now. I stopped hoping he would approach me and talk about our kiss. I stopped hoping he would approach me and talk about  _something_  -  _anything._ I stopped hoping he would approach me.

I stopped waiting for him by the lockers every morning.

-

It wasn't a damn walk in the park.

I still saw him in class, he was still everywhere, and every time I looked at him I felt this terrible pinch in my heart. It was so awful, I felt like I was some heartbroken teenage girl. I felt like going home and locking myself in my bedroom to listen to Taylor Swift or something.

Seungmin, on the other hand, looked fine. I mean, of course he’d be fine. It's not like we had broken up. We weren't even together for Christ's sake, so what was I being so emotional about? I decided to stop heading over to the lockers as well. Besides, I don't even stash much books in them anyway so I don't get the point of getting up early when the only person you wanna see doesn't even bother to go there anymore.

So I stopped the morning routine for about a week or so, until I forgot about this homework in algebra that was due second period and I left my textbook in my locker.

I was just punching in my combination when I felt someone stop right behind me.

"Hyunjin?"

I hated how I recognized that voice right away.

I didn't wanna talk to him, or face him, or to just breathe the same air as him for that matter. I was thinking about running, but it crossed my mind how stupid I'd look if I did it, so I didn't. I took my algebra book out of my locker and shoved it inside my backpack, and with my back still facing him, I said,

"What's up?"

"Nothing. I just - I wanted to just -"

That made me turn around and face him. I know I said I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. I guess I was staring at him with this very surprised expression because all confused, he asked, "What?"

"Did you just stutter?"

I truly couldn't believe it.

Kim Seungmin, the amazing smooth talker, just stuttered.

While talking to me at that! Ha!

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Nothing. It's just - I never heard you stutter before. Anyway, nevermind that. You were saying?"

For a moment, Seungmin just stared at me, right into my eyes. He had this expression I couldn't read. I was bad at that - reading expressions, I mean.

But he was making me nervous with that look he was giving me. And then just like that, all the promises I made to myself - to stop looking at him, stop waiting for him, stop hoping for something - were completely forgotten.

Just like that, a brand new glimmer of hope washed over me, as I started to think that maybe -  _maybe_  - he was finally going to confess. I mean, why else would he stutter?

I watched as Seungmin exhaled, and I grew more nervous by every passing second. I wanted to yell at him to get to the point because my mind wasn't getting any more stable.

Finally, he said, "The book."

"What?"

"The textbook you borrowed from me two weeks ago-"

"Oh."

_Oh._

"Oh, right. The book. Of course." I rummaged through my bag and brought out the book he was talking about, dropping some of my stuff in the process.

Seungmin bent over to pick them up, and I let him.

I didn't tell you about this biology textbook I borrowed from him weeks ago, because it was too uneventful anyway, even for me. I totally forgot to return it to him.

"Here. Thanks." I returned the book back to him as he handed the stuff I dropped on the floor.

"Thank you." He smiled, like I expected him to. He's not Seungmin if he wasn't smiling.

"Sure." I said, and felt my heart react to the way he was looking at me again. I hated it so much, so I turned around and walked away.

I was too disappointed. Too disappointed at myself, at Seungmin, at my stupid damn feelings for failing me.

I was certain I heard Seungmin call out to me again, but I pretended not to hear him, not when I was about to burst into tears if I took another glance at that damn smile again.

"Hyunjin, wait!"

_Not today, Satan. Not today._

-

This one time I fell asleep in class, I woke up feeling an odd itch on my nose. I think this was a few days after I returned Seungmin's stupid biology book.

I avoided him after that, just as much as he was avoiding me. It was easy avoiding each other, since we weren't that close in the first place anyway. The only hard thing about it was the attempt to ignore the pain I felt in my chest every time I saw him.

Anyway, I woke up on my desk feeling a little confused for a moment, trying to figure out where I was. My nose felt itchy, and as I reached out to scratch it, I heard someone giggle.

Giggling. Giggles.

The kind of giggles that tick you off especially when you've just woken up and you don't know what these bunch of jerks were laughing about.

I realized my classmates were all staring at me. The morons were all laughing at  _me._

And I don't know why because I literally just woke up from my nap, until that girl I told you about - the girl who had always been left out because she looks different - pointed at her nose, trying to tell me something. I think she was the only one who wasn't laughing. I immediately grabbed for my phone and stared at my face through the reflection of the screen.

And holy bastards.

My face was drawn over with a black marker, giving me whiskers on my cheeks and an annoying little dot on the tip of my nose. I rolled my eyes as the class roared in laughter.

"Very mature, assholes."

I was pissed but I didn't have that much energy to give them more hell for it. Besides, if you keep giving these dickheads the attention that they wanted, they would just keep doing it, so I didn't. I grabbed my backpack to head over to the men's room to clean myself when someone suddenly offered me a wet tissue.

I looked up and I swear you couldn't guess who it is.

"Take it." Seungmin insisted, and for the first time ever, he wasn't smiling. He didn't look too amused about what happened. Not that I care. He probably was the mastermind of all this. He probably owns the marker used on my face. I don't know. After seeing his face in front of me, offering me a tissue and whatever, suddenly made me a hundred times angrier than I already was.

His serious face was making it worse. What's he looking so worried about? What's his deal? Since when did he even care about me?

I took the wet tissue anyway, and immediately fled the room without another word.

I wiped my stupid face off with the stupid tissue that that stupid Seungmin gave me. Fortunately, the ink was washable or something that it wasn't that hard to erase most of it from my face.

"Hyunjin!"

I threw the tissue in the trash I passed by at the hall, concentrating on my way to the men's room, completely ignoring the voice that was calling out for me.

"Hyunjin, wait!"

I took out my phone and my headphones, ready to blast my ears with some loud music, if that means I can drone out the noise of these assholes that does nothing but piss me off. I reached the men's room and played a random song from Metallica. I washed my face with water and I saw him enter from the reflection from the mirror. He was speaking, but I couldn't hear him. I had my earphones on.

I pretended to check my face out in the mirror, trying to look for some spots that I missed, when I was just actually trying to figure out what he was trying to say. I really couldn't hear him. But he was using these grand gestures and he had this constipated look on his face. I almost turned down the volume to hear what he was saying. And then suddenly, he left. He went out the door, just like that. He didn't even let me hear what he had to say.

The nerves of that guy, really.

I started getting pissed again as soon as Seungmin left my sight. I just couldn't help it.

And then the music stopped. The one that was playing on my earphones.

I realized I was getting a call, and my phone was buzzing like a madman on the sink counter.

It was an unregistered number, but I picked it up anyway.

"Hello?"

I heard someone exhale my name on the other line. I mean it. The person really exhaled my name, as if it was such a relief to them that I picked it up.

"Who is this?" I asked as I made my way out the men's room.

"It's me. Listen, can you hear me now?"

I stopped on my tracks when I saw Seungmin leaning against the opposite wall, his phone brought up to his ear. He looked at me with a smirk. Not a smile, a smirk. I never wanted to bang my head on a wall until that moment, I really did.

My heart went on it again. It was beating so loud and clear in my chest, it was embarrassing even to myself.

Seungmin's smirk transitioned into a smile. I guess the dumbfounded expression on my face was making him laugh. And that was when I just about lost it.

I realized then that ignoring him was pointless. Avoiding him was pointless. Trying to tell myself that I was over him was completely pointless.

No matter how much I denied it, my heart was going to argue to me about it anyway. Because every time he does something stupid like this, for example, my heart will start getting so loud and giving me the clarity I kept denying myself.

"Can you hear me now?" He asked again, obviously amused with what he was doing.

"Y-yes." I replied, not only to him but also to my stupid damn heart.

_I can hear the both of you, loud and clear._

_-_

It probably wouldn't be a surprise to you if I say that I don't normally speak up in class. Whether I know the answer to the question the teacher asks or not, I still hope the same that I wouldn't be called out.

My social anxiety doesn't really do me any good.

But I did happen to speak up once, only because my classmates were dumb enough to not know the answer to a simple question.

' _What makes a handwritten letter more special than a text message?'_

It was simple, really. I was surprised nobody got the right answer. My classmates were yelling out some answers that wasn't even correlated to the question. It was really annoying. I can't believe they pay the school but are still as dumb as they were last year.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I said in this clear loud voice,

"Letters, you can keep."

I can't tell you how much the teacher looked so proud of me, I almost wanted to hide under my desk. It wasn't really a big deal but she acted like I was some math genius or something.

Then she proceeded with telling us that we were to write two letters today. Not one but two.

The first letter would be sent to the recipient. The second one would be a letter we would write but would never send.

I immediately thought of that lousy romcom movie,  _To all the boys I've loved before_. I hate romcom for the life of me. I only watched that one because my mom insisted to watch it with her. Being an only child doesn’t exactly give you that much choices.

Anyway, the first letter I wrote was for my mom. I really didn't feel like writing to anyone else. I could write to Felix, but I don’t really have any idea what to say to him. Besides, he'd laugh at my face even if he knows damn well that I only wrote it because it's an assignment.

The second letter, oh, the second letter.

I didn't even have to think who I'd address it to.

The only thing I was afraid of of writing that letter was if our teacher would suddenly pull off a Kitty on all of us and send our second letter to the people we wrote it to.

But I did it anyway. And I only realized how much I needed it - to write to  _him -_  until I finally started.

_Dear Seungmin,_

-

"What are you thinking?"

Some nosy guy suddenly interrupts my thoughts. We lay on the couch, our limbs sort of tangled around each other since there isn't enough room for the both of us.

I have my head against his chest, and I look up at him, only realizing that even at that angle, he is still quite flattering. That annoys me very much.

"Stuff." I reply shortly before making myself comfortable again. One of my hand wraps around his torso, as if someone was going to snatch him away from me or something. I am very clingy like that.

"What kind of stuff?" He presses on, and I sigh because I really don't like it when people start asking me many questions.

Instead of replying, I move closer towards him, and snuggle my face on the space between his jaw and shoulder.

He laughs when I exhale into his neck. He tends to be very ticklish.

"You know I hated you in high school, right?"

That sends him to push me a little bit away from him.

"Did you, really?" He cries, and I start to laugh.

I really like teasing him. He's cute when he tries to argue.

"I found this letter in high school and it definitely didn't say that you hated me." He says as he smiles.

He still smiles. I don't think there was ever a day that he stopped smiling.

"I did too. I just took it back."

"Of course you did." He laughs and I snuggle closer towards him, inhaling his scent.

I think I forgot to tell you that Seungmin found the letter.

The second letter I wrote in English. The one I wasn't supposed to send to him.

Remember when Seungmin and I bumped into each other when I returned him his Biology book?

That's how he got it.

He tried to argue that he really planned to return it to me, but I knew that he didn't want to after seeing his name written on the damn paper. Some nosy dude, indeed.

I guess it was my fault for writing it like that way. It almost seemed like I wanted him to have it. I really didn't. I swear I didn't.

_Dear Seungmin,_

_First of all, if you're reading this by any chance, know that you aren't supposed to. Second of all, I'm only writing this because I need my grade for English._  
_I'm only writing to you because I know I'm never gonna send this._   _Even if I am, I'd probably tell you other stuff - stuff like the big bang theory, zoology, and the Antarctica or Christmas or something. But right now, thinking that this letter will most definitely NOT reach you, I'm going to skip all that boring stuff and get to the damn point._  
_I hate you, Seungmin. I really do. I know it's weird for me to say this when we barely even know each other. I don't even know your middle name, or how you like your coffee in the morning, or your favorite band - those things alone prove that I don't have the right to hate you._  
_But I can't help it._  
_See, I made this version of you in my head, hoping I would fill up those gaps that I don't know about you. In my mind, your middle name is Lee, you like your coffee strong but you wouldn't mind a little bit of sugar in it too. Your favorite band is Bon Jovi and you can sing to every song those dudes have_.  
_This version of you I created in my mind, I sort of made him mine. And that kinda sucks because you - the real one - is anything but._  
_I know I sound crazy, but I bet you'd think I'm crazier if you found out that I'd still like you the same even if the real you doesn't like Bon Jovi, or if you don't drink coffee at all, or if your middle name doesn't actually turn out to be Lee._  
_Oh gosh, I'm not making any sense._  
_But honestly, though. If you held me at gunpoint and forced me to choose between you and the version I made up in my head, I would always choose you. In a heartbeat. Even if that real version couldn't ever be mine._  
_But that's okay. I've long accepted that you and I could never be. By 'long', I mean two days ago._  
_I don't really understand why you've been avoiding me. And by that, I mean why you stopped going to the lockers every morning._  
_It kinda sucked not seeing you first thing at school everyday._  
_I'm sorry about the kiss, by the way. At the club, is what I mean, in case you were too drunk to remember. Even if you were, you probably want to erase the memory from your head._  
_I read somewhere that a drunk kiss in a club never counts. In fact, a drunk kiss is never counted at all. So, go ahead. Erase it._  
_I can't say the same thing for me though. I don't wanna erase that night from my head, I really don't. It would be the last thing I'd think about when I die. I'm not kidding._  
_Do I sound like a total creep to you now? Good. That was the main objective of this letter. I'm glad it worked. There's still a lot of things I wanna talk to you about, but I really have to go. And I'm running out of paper. I don't really know how to end this, but anyway_

 _~~Love,~~ _   
_~~Yours Truly,~~ _  
_~~Goodbye,~~  _  
  
_From: Hyunjin_

**Author's Note:**

> _im quite illiterate but i read a lot ___  
> 


End file.
